Friday, June 15, 2012

Lip Samples aka Kissing

I kissed this guy forever ago.  And I never told anyone about it.  I always wanted to tell someone and I started to but I never really told anyone what happened, exactly.  I wasn't quite sure myself. Now things are different.  Water under the bridge,etc.  So now I can talk about it.  I am still not one to kiss and tell so I won't name names. So today I'ma tell. 

In college I was a radio dj for my university.  It was fun and he came in to do a spot on the same show as me each week.  That was cool. I always thought he was so cute and funny and all of that. So this one day after he had been flirting with me mercilessly, he carried my LP crates to my car.  Such a gentleman, and he still is to this day.  Ever helpful, ever polite, ever charming to women.  We stood out side my car after he put the crates in the trunk.  He leaned against my car.  I stood there smiling at him and he smiled back.  This was a little game we played with each other.  An innocent flirtation, though I always wanted it to be way, way more.  He talked to me and we laughed.  I don't recall much of what was said.  What little I do remember about that conversation was said right after. We talked as we stood there behind my car, we were almost dancing a little bit.  He'd inch closer, I would stand my ground.  We kept talking this whole time. We were sort of swaying back and forth.  He moved even closer to me.  I knew what was coming.  I'm a romantic, what can I say. He kissed me, mid sentence.  Took my breath away. He looked at me and I will always remember what he said when he leaned back against my car again.  "I ain't fuckin' with you, you will have me fucked up."  It was like he was trying to convince himself. He said it so gently and he smiled at me like if I touch her again, it is on like nobodies business, no turning back and then I'm going to be tripping over this chick.  I want it but I can't have it. At first I didn't know what he meant.  Looking back now, I get it.  It sounds harsh on paper, but the way he said it was like butter.  You know how too much of a good thing to eat packs on the pounds like butter for example?  Or a lover gets you so wrapped up you can't breath if they aren't in your face, you can't function unless they are there?  You get off task because you get a tiny bit more obsessed with them each day, each hour, each minute that passes?  Yeah, that is what he meant.  I always cherished his honesty.  That day was no different.  I never got to get with him as a lover, but I always feel like I still have a tiny piece of his heart out there in the universe. And we are both accomplishment junkies.  I feel the same way about other people as he felt about me then now: I must work on my thing or I won't be happy and falling in love with you will get in the way of A) a great friendship between us, because eventually we are going to break up and then everybody is mad B)My work will suffer, I have a plan and dealing with you on that level will disrupt my plan and make me unhappy then I will make you unhappy. C) I have a vision of what love looks like to me and though you stir me in a way that I can't explain, you don't fit the picture I have in my mind. My heart and my mind must be in agreement for me to be happy. D) Being with you will slow me down on my road to success because I will get so caught up in your situations that I will forget to stay in my own lane so I can become the person I want to be in this world.

I now realize somethings are easier to accomplish when you travel light and well, alone. It gets complicated. Then you do what you said you wouldn't do and fall in love with someone so similar to me that I wanted to slap you.  I felt very hurt by that.  Isn't it amazing how the people who move you the most are the ones that can cause you the most pain?  Break your heart without even realizing that they broke it. Life, it's not personal.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

When Did I Fall in Love with Michael Jackson

I had a tiny crush on him from about age four, according to my moms.  I fell head-over-heels for Mike when I was six.  He is ten years my senior, which means he was sixteen at the time of our brief and lasting moment.  He was deep into his Jackson 5 phase of his life.  My mom took me to my very first concert to see Michael and his talented family. It was at the Cleveland Coliseum.  The stage rotates so there is not a bad seat in the house.  That particular night I had an excellent seat near the end of the aisle, second seat in from the aisle.  We were not too far back either.  Perfect for a stylish six year old, DIVA! I was rocking my favorite navy blue dress with the tan panels on the chest with the red hearts  pattern and matching red heart buttons. My pulled back bun was divine, with spiral curls on the sides.  My tights were dark and my patent leather shoes were shining. It was an amazing show.  Each Jackson had his signature color of sequins on that night, they were a rocking rainbow.  Michael was wearing orange sequins.  I'll always remember that.  He came singing down my aisle to the delighted screams of teenage girls all around me.  They are a rowdy bunch.  I was small and quiet.  I'm surprised I didn't catch any flies in my mouth that night as my mouth was hanging open in wide-eyed wonder most of the night.  Then the unthinkable, unprecedented happened....Michael stopped at my row on my side of the aisle!  The screaming girls were deafening.  But I don't think I could really hear anything other than my own heart beating and that amazing voice of Michael's.  He stepped in a little and leaned over to touch the hand of a screaming girl near me and I looked up into his face and his orange sequined arm was over my head and I was transfixed.  Between the huge Afro, that face, the voice, the orange sequins I felt like a tiny planet next to a tall, orange, singing sun. I could have touched him with my hand he was so close to me. I was amazed.  I couldn't move, I was holding my breath and I did not look away for as long as I could.  (Exhale)
It has been nearly forty years and I can still remember it in detail.  Once I fell in love with the sun of Michael Jackson, I was hooked for life.  I still think of him often, almost daily,  especially in the summer when he was born: a week after me, on the same day, ten years earlier than I was born. I wonder if he was born shining like the sun?  He was still shining when he left here and I feel l him shining right now.  He shines on and on, on and on, on and on. I love the sun of Michael Jackson, shining.