I kissed this guy forever ago. And I never told anyone about it. I always wanted to tell someone and I started to but I never really told anyone what happened, exactly. I wasn't quite sure myself. Now things are different. Water under the bridge,etc. So now I can talk about it. I am still not one to kiss and tell so I won't name names. So today I'ma tell.
In college I was a radio dj for my university. It was fun and he came in to do a spot on the same show as me each week. That was cool. I always thought he was so cute and funny and all of that. So this one day after he had been flirting with me mercilessly, he carried my LP crates to my car. Such a gentleman, and he still is to this day. Ever helpful, ever polite, ever charming to women. We stood out side my car after he put the crates in the trunk. He leaned against my car. I stood there smiling at him and he smiled back. This was a little game we played with each other. An innocent flirtation, though I always wanted it to be way, way more. He talked to me and we laughed. I don't recall much of what was said. What little I do remember about that conversation was said right after. We talked as we stood there behind my car, we were almost dancing a little bit. He'd inch closer, I would stand my ground. We kept talking this whole time. We were sort of swaying back and forth. He moved even closer to me. I knew what was coming. I'm a romantic, what can I say. He kissed me, mid sentence. Took my breath away. He looked at me and I will always remember what he said when he leaned back against my car again. "I ain't fuckin' with you, you will have me fucked up." It was like he was trying to convince himself. He said it so gently and he smiled at me like if I touch her again, it is on like nobodies business, no turning back and then I'm going to be tripping over this chick. I want it but I can't have it. At first I didn't know what he meant. Looking back now, I get it. It sounds harsh on paper, but the way he said it was like butter. You know how too much of a good thing to eat packs on the pounds like butter for example? Or a lover gets you so wrapped up you can't breath if they aren't in your face, you can't function unless they are there? You get off task because you get a tiny bit more obsessed with them each day, each hour, each minute that passes? Yeah, that is what he meant. I always cherished his honesty. That day was no different. I never got to get with him as a lover, but I always feel like I still have a tiny piece of his heart out there in the universe. And we are both accomplishment junkies. I feel the same way about other people as he felt about me then now: I must work on my thing or I won't be happy and falling in love with you will get in the way of A) a great friendship between us, because eventually we are going to break up and then everybody is mad B)My work will suffer, I have a plan and dealing with you on that level will disrupt my plan and make me unhappy then I will make you unhappy. C) I have a vision of what love looks like to me and though you stir me in a way that I can't explain, you don't fit the picture I have in my mind. My heart and my mind must be in agreement for me to be happy. D) Being with you will slow me down on my road to success because I will get so caught up in your situations that I will forget to stay in my own lane so I can become the person I want to be in this world.
I now realize somethings are easier to accomplish when you travel light and well, alone. It gets complicated. Then you do what you said you wouldn't do and fall in love with someone so similar to me that I wanted to slap you. I felt very hurt by that. Isn't it amazing how the people who move you the most are the ones that can cause you the most pain? Break your heart without even realizing that they broke it. Life, it's not personal.
In college I was a radio dj for my university. It was fun and he came in to do a spot on the same show as me each week. That was cool. I always thought he was so cute and funny and all of that. So this one day after he had been flirting with me mercilessly, he carried my LP crates to my car. Such a gentleman, and he still is to this day. Ever helpful, ever polite, ever charming to women. We stood out side my car after he put the crates in the trunk. He leaned against my car. I stood there smiling at him and he smiled back. This was a little game we played with each other. An innocent flirtation, though I always wanted it to be way, way more. He talked to me and we laughed. I don't recall much of what was said. What little I do remember about that conversation was said right after. We talked as we stood there behind my car, we were almost dancing a little bit. He'd inch closer, I would stand my ground. We kept talking this whole time. We were sort of swaying back and forth. He moved even closer to me. I knew what was coming. I'm a romantic, what can I say. He kissed me, mid sentence. Took my breath away. He looked at me and I will always remember what he said when he leaned back against my car again. "I ain't fuckin' with you, you will have me fucked up." It was like he was trying to convince himself. He said it so gently and he smiled at me like if I touch her again, it is on like nobodies business, no turning back and then I'm going to be tripping over this chick. I want it but I can't have it. At first I didn't know what he meant. Looking back now, I get it. It sounds harsh on paper, but the way he said it was like butter. You know how too much of a good thing to eat packs on the pounds like butter for example? Or a lover gets you so wrapped up you can't breath if they aren't in your face, you can't function unless they are there? You get off task because you get a tiny bit more obsessed with them each day, each hour, each minute that passes? Yeah, that is what he meant. I always cherished his honesty. That day was no different. I never got to get with him as a lover, but I always feel like I still have a tiny piece of his heart out there in the universe. And we are both accomplishment junkies. I feel the same way about other people as he felt about me then now: I must work on my thing or I won't be happy and falling in love with you will get in the way of A) a great friendship between us, because eventually we are going to break up and then everybody is mad B)My work will suffer, I have a plan and dealing with you on that level will disrupt my plan and make me unhappy then I will make you unhappy. C) I have a vision of what love looks like to me and though you stir me in a way that I can't explain, you don't fit the picture I have in my mind. My heart and my mind must be in agreement for me to be happy. D) Being with you will slow me down on my road to success because I will get so caught up in your situations that I will forget to stay in my own lane so I can become the person I want to be in this world.
I now realize somethings are easier to accomplish when you travel light and well, alone. It gets complicated. Then you do what you said you wouldn't do and fall in love with someone so similar to me that I wanted to slap you. I felt very hurt by that. Isn't it amazing how the people who move you the most are the ones that can cause you the most pain? Break your heart without even realizing that they broke it. Life, it's not personal.
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